I was looking around my blog the other day and came across this post that I had saved in my drafts. This post reminded me of the reasons I enjoy journaling. Looking back at where I was and how far I've come is a great feeling. I'm not exactly sure when I wrote this...I'm guessing sometime in January or February, but I thought it was worth sharing since I know most of us deal at one time or another with depression and anxiety.
When this post started peculating in my head, my first thought was, "what a depressing first post for 2012." But, given that I'm slacking in my blog posting, it's my own fault for this being my first post of the new year.
I don't really share personal struggles and thoughts on my blog very often. I have a couple of reasons for this..the first being that so many people I know personally read my blog, and well, I have a hard time sharing my personal struggles with people. The other reason being that I like to keep my blog upbeat and fun. But, sometimes it's necessary to share what I'm going through, because I can't be the only other person dealing with life.
A year ago next month began a downward spiral that lasted for technically 6 months. I have dealt with depression and anxiety before, but what I dealt with last year was nothing like I have ever experienced. It was my own decisions that really brought about this struggle. I like to call it growing pains, because that's exactly was they ended up being. I struggled with God, with myself, with others. Only, I kept a happy face so that others wouldn't know that I was having a hard time.
This depression brought about feelings of anxiety, codependency, and fear. My relationship with my son took the hardest hit. I could see the wedge between us, and a part of me just gave up in thinking that I could fix it. To be honest, I gave up in thinking that I would ever be "normal" again. I felt like I would always be broken, always be of the mindset that nothing would ever work out, and that I didn't deserve to be happy.
The reason this post came about is because those feelings of depression reared their ugly head recently. It's crazy how life can be running along great and then something that someone does (or does not do) will begin that spiral downward... How thoughts and insecurities of my past will start seeping into my mind and I begin to once again think I'm not good enough and everyone I care about will eventually leave anyway.
But, this time I refuse to allow the past to dictate my future. I was so excited to bring in 2012. A new year full of new growth experiences and opportunities. A year I began by closing the door to the insecurities of my past and opening the door to my future...a future full of hope.